so, another person from church is pregnant. a surprise. the usual we weren't trying lingo. when i heard the news, it took just about all i had to not say, "well, of course you are." i refrained but my bitterness this week has taken even me by surprise.

...

so, i feel like a lot of people are all of a sudden pregnant who have tried for a really long time to be pregnant. this, along with my normal hormonal self, has brought the sadness to the surface again. whenever i start to feel unsettled or just off in some way, i feel like this is the first place that i go. it's like so much feels attached to this ache, this emptiness, this wonder of what will happen. will we ever be? will it ever be okay if not? will it make it go away if so? i don't know how to talk about it. don't know how to even really think about it. even tonight, i have found that my first response is to fill my thoughts and time with photography. forums, blogs, anything that will be distracting enough. as usual, even my own thoughts are cluttery, contradictory, rationalizing.

the week the wisteria blooms

that's what this is.

and also, maybe the name of the book i will write someday.

if a blog with only a few posts can have a trend, apparently mine would be the trend of quoting what other people have said. i am sort of wordless, as though i'm incapable of any original thought. i feel like the world of blogging has contributed to this. as though i have become increasingly aware that my thoughts are not my own, that other people really do feel what i feel and think my same thoughts. it feels like a violation in some way.

content

i needed to write this down because i know that i will forget it otherwise and it will fade into a million other moments such as this. moments that were treasured at the time but yet didn't make it into that place where memories stay.

i am working in my bedroom going through about 4000 wedding pictures. i don't mind. the reason is that from my window i can see my sweet husband working his heart out in the backyard. even better is that i can hear him singing as he works. attie is bounding joyfully through the yard behind him. it is 6:35 and still light outside. spring appears to have arrived.

for all of these things, i am thankful.

someday

someday i will paint this. or write it or something. i mean, re-write it. because i didn't but wish that i could have. for the second day in a row.

When we are old one night
and the moon arcs over the house
like an antique china saucer
and the teacup sun follows
somewhere far behind

I hope the stars deepen to a shine
so bright you could read by it

if you liked

and the sadnesses we will have known
go away for awhile
-- in this hour or two before sleep--
and that we kiss standing in the kitchen

not fighting gravity so much
as embodying its sweet force,
and I hope we kiss like we do today
knowing so much good is said in this primitive tonguef

rom the wild first surprising ones
to the lower dizzy ten thousand infinitely slower ones --
and I hope while we stand there in the kitchen
making tea and kissing,
the whistleof the teapot wakes the neighbors.

Prayer for a Marriage
Steve Scafidi

will you hear me and know?

If I could write a song today, this is it what I would want it to say:

Can i get up in the moming

Put the kettle on

Make us some coffee,

say "hey" to the sun...

Is it enough to write a song and sing it to the birds?

They'd hear just the tune

Not understand my love for words

But you would hear me and know

I want only this: I want to live

I want to live a simple life

I dreamed you first

But not so real

And everyday since I've found you

Such moments we steal

Like little thieves, we rub our hands

We hold our hearts between them.

But will you hear me and know?

I want only this: I want to live

I want to live a simple life.

Move on, move on

Time is accelerating

Drive on all night

Traffic lights and one-ways

Move on, move on

Parking violations waiting

Turn off the car, breathe the air

Let's stay here

I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time

To know our neighbors all by name

And every star at night

We'll weave our days together like waves

And particles of light

I want only this: I want to live

I want to live a simple life.

The Weepies have song lyrics that resonate with me in a way that I'm not sure I have heard throughout an album since probably the Indigo Girls. I am grateful to be brought back to that place. Still to come: some of my thoughts/favorite parts/things I hated about the last real book I've read in six months: Eat, Love, Pray. Also, more pictures from Mexico.

post script: to live a simple life is not really all that i want.

reentry.

it was a really good weekend.

i was semi-looking forward to it and knew we should jump on the chance for some time with corey's fam in the country while we could get it. we have missed them a lot lately. turns out it was probably my favorite weekend we've ever had at "the lake" and we have had a lot of great times there. contributing factors were alex's new puppy, incredibly beautiful weather, lots of magazines, picnics in the yard followed by lazy naps, and the inaugural nolen/hershbine game of baseball. i won't tell you who won only that it was not the hershbines. it is just as hard to explain to a five year old why you don't get to bat every time as it is to explain to a golden retriever why no one wants him in the middle of every game involving a ball or a frisbee. i discovered that maybe i don't hate riding on the four-wheeler as much as i thought that i did (which in itself is somewhat of a miracle).

it was just good to get away.

i hope that i will still be able to take pictures this week, that people will look at my blog, that someone will call me about setting up a shoot. each week it feels miraculous that these things happen and each week, i am sure that they will not repeat themselves.

retreating.

spent the weekend on a women's retreat with my mom. new church for her...sort of a checking it out kind of thing. the theme was home, each session revolving around the story of the prodigal son. i am always a little bit leary/jealous when people talk about their favorite stories and verses but i guess it's true that this chapter of the bible...luke 15...is one that brings me a particular amount of peace and comfort.

there was a lot of talk this weekend about God's love. how he runs to us, how he embraces us. it all made a lot of sense in my head.

i just couldn't get it to connect to my heart.

i can't figure out who i am in the story right now. we studied rembrandt's painting of the story and i tried so hard to resonate somewhere. i kept feeling like they were in a barn in the painting. i know i'm there, i'm sure i'm a part of this story, this event, this whole deal with a father and his kids.

but the only place that i could find myself today was a daughter in a dark corner watching someone else's story.

a river runs through it

it literally sounds like a river is running outside of my back door. that is how hard and how long that it has been raining. and now i'm about to get in the car and drive in it. wish me luck. or grace. or something.

auspices.

so, i'm sitting in a coffee shop. this is not something that i do a lot of. in this way anyway. the cool sara little way.

i came here under the auspices that i would be doing some work since i have a lot of that to do. i am feeling conspicuous and invisible at the same time. listening to music in headphones tends to make me feel this way. i can hear my music but i can also hear the music playing over the speakers and the clutter of conversation around me. does anyone really get any work done in this kind of place?

at least the girl across the aisle has new highlighters. a whole set. still in rainbow order.

today has been a hard day. it has arrived on the heels of one of the strangest weeks of my life. apparently it is almost easter.

after church, i told corey that i didn't know what it was that stirred the heart of the church today. i am troubled that the secular community continues to rally for the plight of africa and christians seem to be stuck in the cycle of analyzing our own hearts. corey asked me what it was that stirred my own heart to do something.

said that it would be the place that things started to move.

i know he is right. and i am once again immobilized by my own fear, stagnancy, complacency.

so instead i just started a fight with him. stupidly, the fight sprang out of this. and how much i want everyone i love to watch it and be moved by it like i am. as is almost always true, the fight had nothing to do with what i said it did.

so, this is my new blog. the one i have been announcing for the past who knows how long.

we will see how it goes.