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so, i feel like a lot of people are all of a sudden pregnant who have tried for a really long time to be pregnant. this, along with my normal hormonal self, has brought the sadness to the surface again. whenever i start to feel unsettled or just off in some way, i feel like this is the first place that i go. it's like so much feels attached to this ache, this emptiness, this wonder of what will happen. will we ever be? will it ever be okay if not? will it make it go away if so? i don't know how to talk about it. don't know how to even really think about it. even tonight, i have found that my first response is to fill my thoughts and time with photography. forums, blogs, anything that will be distracting enough. as usual, even my own thoughts are cluttery, contradictory, rationalizing.