retreating.

spent the weekend on a women's retreat with my mom. new church for her...sort of a checking it out kind of thing. the theme was home, each session revolving around the story of the prodigal son. i am always a little bit leary/jealous when people talk about their favorite stories and verses but i guess it's true that this chapter of the bible...luke 15...is one that brings me a particular amount of peace and comfort.

there was a lot of talk this weekend about God's love. how he runs to us, how he embraces us. it all made a lot of sense in my head.

i just couldn't get it to connect to my heart.

i can't figure out who i am in the story right now. we studied rembrandt's painting of the story and i tried so hard to resonate somewhere. i kept feeling like they were in a barn in the painting. i know i'm there, i'm sure i'm a part of this story, this event, this whole deal with a father and his kids.

but the only place that i could find myself today was a daughter in a dark corner watching someone else's story.

a river runs through it

it literally sounds like a river is running outside of my back door. that is how hard and how long that it has been raining. and now i'm about to get in the car and drive in it. wish me luck. or grace. or something.

auspices.

so, i'm sitting in a coffee shop. this is not something that i do a lot of. in this way anyway. the cool sara little way.

i came here under the auspices that i would be doing some work since i have a lot of that to do. i am feeling conspicuous and invisible at the same time. listening to music in headphones tends to make me feel this way. i can hear my music but i can also hear the music playing over the speakers and the clutter of conversation around me. does anyone really get any work done in this kind of place?

at least the girl across the aisle has new highlighters. a whole set. still in rainbow order.

today has been a hard day. it has arrived on the heels of one of the strangest weeks of my life. apparently it is almost easter.

after church, i told corey that i didn't know what it was that stirred the heart of the church today. i am troubled that the secular community continues to rally for the plight of africa and christians seem to be stuck in the cycle of analyzing our own hearts. corey asked me what it was that stirred my own heart to do something.

said that it would be the place that things started to move.

i know he is right. and i am once again immobilized by my own fear, stagnancy, complacency.

so instead i just started a fight with him. stupidly, the fight sprang out of this. and how much i want everyone i love to watch it and be moved by it like i am. as is almost always true, the fight had nothing to do with what i said it did.

so, this is my new blog. the one i have been announcing for the past who knows how long.

we will see how it goes.